fruityÖaty

This post was Brought to You by the Letter B! To B, or not to B, that is the question. Let it B! Kids, today we demonstrate my 3 rules to churn out shallow posts devoid of pesky feelings:
1. Every day is Caturday! Retarded, sure. Refer to rules 38 & 39. (Hello, Jude. Happy now?)
2. Try to mention food and porn, preferably together. OFTEN. (Food porn! See? Easy peasy.)
3. NEVER bitch about past, present or future jobs in your blog. (Busting balls... ALSO BAD.)

Kids, never put a glass of liquid near a computer unless you want to break it... on purpose.

This post was also brought to you by cookie-induced sugar rush. Girl Guide Chocolatey Mint Cookies, a flavour sold for a limited time only in autumn by young girls across Canada. Made with environmentally unsustainable palm oil that requires deforesting huge swaths of rain forests. Nagging ethics aside, pop a trans-fatty cookie in your mouth. Now chew. Good?

Last box, too. Tempted to undo my 25-pound weight loss by eating all in one sitting. Resist. Resist in the same way that I should not be writing this post with a very ridiculous title. FAIL.

Serenity now, insanity later. But it's fucking hard to think when your head IS clear. (Crickets.) OK, so not your head. My head... 'cause that's the way my head rolls. Ahh, fuck it. Break #3.

Click on a thumbnail to view a larger version (cookies and BOOBLESS spelled by a BOOB):

BOOBLESS. So, here's where I explain that bit. Kids, gather 'round! This is the tale of "Sir Oh Boobless" (SOB for short), an ex co-worker of yours truly. Whereas most people who have a psychotic break go on a mass killing spree,  SOB would vent out RAGE by kicking hapless office recycling bins and spelling words on a calculator. SRSLY. Calculator spelling, for the unaware, is the activity of insane people who punch numbers on a calculator and flip the calculator upside-down to read the words they spelled. For example, "71830" ("DEBIL") means "retard" in Polish. And "371830" (DEBILE) means "dumb" or "stupid" in French. (Now YOU try it. For fuck's sake, don't twist your neck craning! Flip the calculator upside-down.) I could've tried writing this post on a calculator, but evidently I'm so not flipping crazy enough. And I have a limited calculator spelling vocabulary.

Calculator spelling is for old folks. Prior to video games and internet porn. But SOB isn't old.

One day, while I was dropping off a fantastically written document on SOB's desk (SOB was away), I spied with my little eye a calculator with 55378008 (BOOBLESS) on it. I'm unsure why that photo is in black & white. Maybe I was in a hurry to snap a souvenir of that American Express moment. If I need a laugh, I look at that pic. I also inherited that SHARP calculator previously owned by a boob who wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. No joke, I own it now.

I've never really been a huge fan of Scott Adams, the Dilbert comic strip author (he seems like such a dick), but even I find the following stuff hilarious (it's totally OK if you don't laugh):

The transcript of that short video (only 23 seconds, click the play button 'cause it's Caturday):
The Designer: This cat will say something. Then this other cat will say, "Yeah, right." It's like sarcasm. / The Boss: OH HO HO OH HA HO HA HA HA HO! / Dilbert: This explains so much.

Seriously, that explains so much. (Hello Jude, you owe me a pile of cookies since... 2004.)

Au revoir,
Massa P aka "fruity crabapple"

P.S. Next post, we will be covering ass to ass + other body parts. Just kidding, Uncle Hank!

you might also like these possibly related posts... or not:

The Breakfast Club: Waffling Through Life

Avian Flu, Chicken Soup for the Soul and Poultrygeist

Yes Virginia There Is a Santa LOLcat (Crazy Cat Lady Festive Special)

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