OLDER POSTS
I am the Biggest Whiner. Congratulate me. Oh, look at my shiny trophy. It's so... shiny. Hah!
Forget the Oscars, I have just won the Biggest Whiner award! Throughout my downtrodden, miserable excuse of a life, I have dreamt of that one brief shining moment when I would stand in front of my more pathetic peers to accept my shiny trophy. Ladies, germs and losers, my thank you speech...
Oh, I'm going to cry! I will try to keep this short, but whiners aren't known for brevity. First, I would like to thank all my friends and family, both real or imaginary and online or offline, without whose huge support this could not have been possible. Thank you! Oh, thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so gassy! And this statue - it's so shiny! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to know that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have imagined that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other suck-ass nominees, I want each of you slackers to know how totally wonderful your lackluster applause makes me feel right now!
You know when they first told me I was nominated, I just had to take an Ex-Lax® and think about how great my enemies have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda special, but not special enough, damn it. Grrrrr!
You know, there are so many fawning little people to thank! First off though, I want to thank the glorified prostitutes of the Academy, who all looked deep within their Magic 8-Balls before giving me this big craptastic award! Thanks to ham sandwiches for being such a powerful force in my life. And to my sister, who taught me to steer life by the wheel. To all the strange friends I have lost - I couldn't have done it without you! And a big shout-out to my sponsor, McDonald's who puts the cholesterol, toys and Happy into my Happy Meals, a welcome bag of trans fatty goodness for those days when I'm feeling too pathetic. I would also like to French kiss my agent Jerry McGuire. You had me at helloser! Credits also go to the Academy Awards Acceptance Speech Generator for helping Massa P to write most of this whiny speech. And finally, the most important person in my life... my makeup man without whom I would never step out of my dirty house for fear of scaring all the little brats... sing with me... we are the world, we are the children out there on this huge stinking polluted planet.
As I wrap my pudgy, wrinkled and disfigured fingers around my new garlic crusher and shiny beacon of despair, I can't help but think... you like me! You really like me! Thank you America, and good night! Hugs and kisses!
Au revoir,
Massa P aka "fruity red whine"
Hahahaha! ROFL!!! I want an award like that! I want it! I want it!
There IS such a thing as an Academy Award Speech Generator! I thought it was all a myth! Haha!
HAHA. That's some awesome award! o_o Errrm. Haha. I think it's funny how the "Biggest Whiner" sign isn't perfectly on it. :-) Perfect touch.
That is awesome. I am jealous.
Beautiful speech as well. :-D
LOL, that made me laugh so much!!! Great work, congratulations!!!
LOL THAT'S SO COOL! Hahaha. What an AWESOME speech. :-P Congrats on getting that whiner award. Haha. Cooool. XD
Congratulations on your award!
You write better speeches than any of those Oscar-winning actresses... :-)
Keep whining... :-D
Was this a fake birthday gift? I particularly love the craftsmanship. Great little speech generator - I wish I had one for work convo's. Way2Go!
:-P You deserve the award! Congrats. ^^
You TOTALLY deserve that award, LOL. :-D
Happy, Happy, Happpppppy Birthday!
Ahaha, I laughed at your speech. That was hilarious. Love the award! I could use one of those as well.
Oh, congrats! :-D I should totally have one too!
Hahaha, that is awesome! I want one of those things! Your speech and picture made me LOL before going to work!
I love the speech. Haha. :-) It cracked me up.
:-D Great speech... but you forgot to thank the Lord... Isn't that the standard in an acceptance speech at the Oscars and the Grammys?
Happy Belated Birthday too!
Ohh my god hahaha... I laughed while reading it. This is the most whiny speech I have ever come across. Congratulations by the way, haha.
Very interesting and humorous blog. :-D Congrats on the award. I'm sure it's hard damned work being the biggest whiner. I should win the biggest complainer award. We'd be like two peas in a pod! TTYL.
LMFAO. That award is totally awesome. Congratulations!
*stands and applauds* Best speech I have ever heard! I'm wiping tears from my eyes.
Haha. When I first glanced at that award, I thought it said "Biggest Weiner". That just goes to show how I lazily I look at things. :/
Haha that's funny! Cute award.
Once again, happy belated birthday!!
I think there's quite a few that I could nominate for that award, LOL. Congratulations. ;-)
LOL congratulations... I think. :-P I think I should also be entitled to an award like that! Take care.
That was a very beautiful speech, LOL. I loved it. It made me laugh. I just thought I'd come by and say hey. :-D
Congrats on being the Biggest Whiner, LOL.
LMAO yes, I'm pretty indecisive, but I think I finally chose. (:.
LMAO congrats on whining the Biggest Whiner award. :-D
Awesome award. Truly, a fantastic achievement! :-) I'd be proud to have that golden statue on my mantelpiece too. Cheers! Long live whiners!
Oh, hmmm... "Selamat Ulang Tahun! Benar atau tidak, tetap semoga panjang umur!" Now, I'll let you translate that, Aquarius girl! >:)
And congrats on the award... Interesting speech. :-D
My classmate in folk dance should have won that award. All he ever does is whine about the steps he couldn't do. I hate him.
I know a lot of people that deserve that award. A lot, sadly.
Birthday? What? Eh? Whose birthday? What sayeth the Whiner's Magic 8-Ball about today? Kisses, biotch. :-P
If I had known about that award, I would've won. :-P
Congratulations! The trophy looks great, haha! :-D
Just one of your fawning little people wishing you a happy birthday.
Cracking good entry. :-D I'll be cheering you from the sidelines, go, go, go!
Selamat ulang tahun! Sun yat fai lok! Maligayang kaarawan! Buon compleanno! :-D Joyeux anniversaire! Parteeh!
Oh, it's your you-know-what? ;-) Happy you-know-what!
It's your birthday!?? It's our wedding anniversary too! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
CONGRATULATIONS, HUMAN! :-D You'll go farther than this! I'll cheer you on!
I don't know if I should be saying congratulations. Hehe. Are you really a whiner though?
Massa P! Yo, HAPPY FAKE BIRTHDAY! :-D Well-deserved award.
Funny stuff! What, you couldn't write it all by yourself? Software testers, lazy bunch - the whole lot. :-P
Happy Birthday!! :-D
LOL @ post. I could win that too. Just this morning my seatmate said "all she does is complain but she's pretty harmless" about me.
It's the 30th! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WHINER! DING, DING, DING! I'm the first to greet you ummm, happy fake birthday. ;-)
Good speech, slacker. You had me at helloser! BTW, I couldn't comment before, but I guess now you've fixed the issue.
Is that for real? Haha! I'd like to enter!
:-D I want one too!!!