fruityoaty.com

[ YouTube fan-made music video, 3:44 min. of your life... probably wasted ]

Come out, the streets are breathing
Heaving green to red to green
Come with your nicotine and wine
Tambourine keeping time
Come and find me in the evening

Maybe I’d like that song, “Your Fonder Heart” by Anaïs Mitchell a bit more if the lyrics weren’t so… cheddar cheesy and her voice wasn’t so pixie-ish. I’m having a visual of a 13-year old elf singing… at a Lilith Fair concert. I imagine I’d be looping that on my iPod after a round of… absinthe abuse (aka The Green Fairy) followed by bungee jumping. But no, Mitchell probably didn’t intend to evoke thoughts of absinthe. My brain got wired… oddly.

FAIR WARNING: A long post to clarify stuff I said in this previous post.

Anyway, when I briefly mentioned that I refuse to engage in “blogger for hire” schemes, it wasn’t coming from a… righteous principle. I’ve long ago accepted that everyone blogs for different reasons. Harshly judging others is not my style. I’m iffy with “show me the money” because… I’m a Slacker Blogger. Most Pee-Pee-Pee ad networks require the blogger to maintain a ratio of 2:1 (normal entries vs. $$$ posts). That goes against my goal of owning a piece of the blogosphere by doing as little as possible. See, I managed to bump up feed circulation by another 116 subscribers in the last 2 weeks without actually publishing anything. Slacker Method works!

fruity’s recent reads that may or may not be related to her entry:
What attracts you: the Blog or the Blogger? (Abe Olandres of Yugatech)
Most popular blog posts and top problogger (Janette Toral)
Blog Drop Report (Paolo Mendoza of The Philosophical Bastard)

Just to prove to y’all that the Slacker Method works, I’ve outsourced my first (potentially, maybe) “dinero for post” to my friend (the guy who has left comments on my blog under at least 18 different aliases). I have lost track of all his names, so I’m just going to refer to my pal as Anonymity (derived from the Greek word for “without a name”), “Pedro” or “Paidro”. Outsourcing my “blogger for hire” writing to my pals means I can put my finger in the pie hole and keep my righteous hypocrisy intact, bwahahah!

*FYI, I won’t plug things (especially if they go against my ethics) that I can’t turn into a personal story. After all, this is a personal blog. Ink toner, rhinoplasty, no thanks. Also, I’ll only be doing 1 per month (2, tops).*

Just be thankful my friend didn’t make his jokes that reference either G.I. Joe, biochemistry or French literature. Mr. Anonymity e-mailed me this:
____________________________________________________________

Hey Massa P,

I had 20 minutes to kill during network connectivity problems. Here is the draft of a potential article. Let me know if it shmecks or not. If it’s usable, I’ll finish it, but if not… then send it to the merciful limbo of deleted items.

[ Editor's note: The following is supposed to seem like I, fruity wrote this. I tweaked the original here and there to fit the fruity vibe of my blog. Mr. Pedro, it needs more narcissism, but clever jibes @ me and sly truths. I have a feeling the article will be rejected. It's just far too... irreverent. ]

We interrupt the scheduled FruityOaty blogcast to bring a message from our friendly corporate daddy, “Primatech Paper Company”. Señor Bueno Yum-Yum Frosted Tobacco Infused Breakfast Cupcakes now come in two new exciting flavours: Kosher Bacon and Winterfresh Cialis with 100% of the daily recommended allowance of MSG and nicotine… Primatech Paper Company is the global leader in mechanically rendered meat products and industrial grade paper pastries. Now back to our irregularly scheduled blog!

A time comes when every blogger must decide whether the temptation of $$$, ahem… I mean… value-added blogging should be inflicted upon a blog’s audience. Can blogs still be meaningful and insightful… when nestled below the HTML floorboards… is the tell-tale heart of marketing? Will my 69 loyal subscribers be peeved? Will they even notice? I pondered the idea of getting compensated to plug something, over a delightful glass of smooth as silk absinthe. Looking to buy absinthe? Visit our absinthe blog. Absinthe, the much maligned and romanticized beverage of madmen and Bohemian artist types is now available for commercial sale online. Buy Absinthe.

I barely recall my first taste of absinthe abuse. The bottle had a painting of Vincent Van Gogh. A fitting choice, Van Gogh was a depressive, suicidal self-mutilator who was said to be quite fond of absinthe. But… does that work as a marketing message? Or maybe it was some form of government mandated warning label, like pictures of damaged black lungs on cigarette packs? A Surgeon General’s Warning: Drinking Absinthe during pregnancy will lead to birth defects and/or pointillism technique.

Gah… $$$ rambling be damned, I shouldn’t be drinking this. After all, I’ve kind of grown attached to my brain. I had drunk this stuff many years ago and the result was an urge to bungee jump. Oh my, the dilemma… how to review this and not risk injury? After much thought and soul searching… I did what any socially responsible adult would do: outsourcing. All I needed to do was get somebody else to drink it and write the review. Enter my pal, Anonymity aka “Pedro” or “Paidro”. This is how it all went down:

fruity: Hey, Happy Birthday Mr. T.!

Anonymity: Huh? It’s not my birthday.

fruity: I mean, Merry Christmas. Boy, do I have a surprise for you.

Anonymity: What?

fruity: Oh nothing… just thought you’d like some absinthe. If you aren’t too troubled by it… some waivers for you to sign. You know, the usual.

Anonymity: You are strange. [ Editor's note: Pot calling the kettle black? ]

fruity: You wouldn’t happen to be pregnant, would you? No? That’s great. A bottle will arrive in 2 days. Have a drink and let me know what you think.

Anonymity: I’m not going to go blind from this, will I?

fruity: Pshaw, it’s not like this stuff is dangerous… It’s like drinking Fresca and getting money for it. [ Inside joke: Swiss Chalet Chicken + Fresca? ]

Adieu,
Pedro dela Borracho (name changed to protect the ignorant)