Uh ya… so I fell 1 short of my originally planned 5 entries… and 2 short of one reader’s request for 6. Bleah. On the bright side, at least I matched last May’s tally of 4! See, glass half-full? Whatever. It just means I’ll write 2 more in July… uh-huh. I was going to write a response to Jigs’ and Peachy’s requests for recipes for these nummy creations, but my inner creature of whimsy sez, “That will have to wait. Right now, I want You Asked for It series: Manic Episode No. 2!” Tonight’s Blue Moon Café Special for $4.99 + tax: “Nutella Virgin” Google wham bams, Bobby Flay’s Nutella and Banana Sandwiches, warm fat pussy, E.T. sighting and The Name Game. PG-rated.
Oh, simmer down… I’ve used sexually suggestive titles before and none of ‘em meant what they implied, much to the chagrin of many porn Googlers:
Searching for Sex in All the Wrong Places
WordPress Plugins and Porn-free
Doodle, Diddle, Stipple and Stroke
iBuzz Two, iTouchMiself, OhMiBod, icombi, OhMiBlogSex
From Heroes to Zeroes to Twin Peaks Cherries to Blog of the Day Awards
… and it’s the same case here, really. Ever since I wrote Swiss Chocolate Cupcakes with Nutella Frosting, Oh My!, I get a whopping amount of traffic for the search term “Nutella Virgin”. Ya, it didn’t take me long to determine that sick horn dawgs were looking for virginoff.com — a porn site for a Russian girl named… Nutella who “… is just like any other girl at her age. She goes to university every day, but she is more interested in the boys than in classes. At the weekends she likes to go out with her friends, she loves dancing and often goes to clubs.” End quote. Ick, she redefines the words “Nutella spread”. (FYI, real Nutella is a chocolaty hazelnut spread.)
Gimme a sec. while I do a mental wipe and disinfect my monitor… Done.
Imagine the disappointment of those porn dawgs upon seeing a chocolate cupcake on their screens. The bounce rate on that entry is stupendously high. Hmm, I thought I’d give ‘em a few reasons to stay. 
Well, I learned somethin’ from all those Marketing classes: demand and supply. First up… a decadent sandwich pictured above — Nutella, bananas and hazelnuts in between two slices of bread griddled in butter and tossed in a cinnamon sugar mix. Oh… howzabout these other naughty bits (from left to right)?
Click on a thumbnail image to enlarge photo. Pictured above are:
- The only phallic symbol inside Nutella you’ll ever see here. Perverts.
- Nutella and her friends spreading some energy. Gosh, hammy joke.
- A warm fat pussy spreading itself — Max in a ray of light. Perverts.
- The rare Blue Moon on June 30, 2007 (UTC time zone) howled at by horn dawgs. I snapped that photo tonight. But not… blue. I feel as disappointed as a porn seeker staring at a chocolate cupcake.
Everytime I see a banana, I think of potassium, monkeys and The Name Game (also called The Banana Song) — a children’s singalong rhyming game that creates variations of a person’s name. Let’s apply all the rules of the game in Wikipedia… to few names, hmm? 
You know you wanna.
>>> Click on arrow below to play “The Name Game” sung by Shirley Ellis (3:03 min., 2.8 MB .mp3):
A verse can be created for any name, with X as the name and (X-1) as the name without the first consonant sound, as follows:
(X), (X), bo-b(X-1)
Banana-fana fo-f(X-1)
Fee-fi-mo-m(X-1)
X!
Charles, Charles, bo-bharles; Banana-fana fo-fharles; Fee-fi-mo-mharles; Charles!
Jhed, Jhed, bo-bhed; Banana-fana fo-fhed; Fee-fi-mo-mhed; Jhed!
Jigs, Jigs, bo-bigs; Banana-fana fo-figs; Fee-fi-mo-migs; Jigs!
Juice, Juice, bo-buice; Banana-fana fo-fuice; Fee-fi-mo-muice; Juice!
Kaitlin, Kaitlin, bo-baitlin; Banana-fana fo-faitlin; Fee-fi-mo-maitlin; Kaitlin!
Kevin, Kevin, bo-bevin; Banana-fana fo-fevin; Fee-fi-mo-mevin; Kevin!
Kubi, Kubi, bo-bubi; Banana-fana fo-fubi; Fee-fi-mo-mubi; Kubi!
Lei, Lei, bo-bei; Banana-fana fo-fei; Fee-fi-mo-mei; Lei!
Nan, Nan, bo-ban; Banana-fana fo-fan; Fee-fi-mo-man; Nan!
Paolo, Paolo, bo-baolo; Banana-fana fo-faolo; Fee-fi-mo-maolo; Paolo!
Shari, Shari, bo-bhari; Banana-fana fo-fhari; Fee-fi-mo-mhari; Shari!
Tina, Tina, bo-bina; Banana-fana fo-fina; Fee-fi-mo-mina; Tina!
Zerovoltage, Zerovoltage, bo-berovoltage; Banana-fana fo-ferovoltage; Fee-fi-mo-merovoltage; Zerovoltage!
If the name starts with a b, f, or m, that sound simply is not repeated. For example, “fruity” becomes “fo-ruity”:
fruity, fruity, bo-bruity; Banana-fana fo-ruity; Fee-fi-mo-mruity; fruity!
Fatima, Fatima, bo-batima; Banana-fana fo-atima; Fee-fi-mo-matima; Fatima!
Fendi, Fendi, bo-bendi; Banana-fana fo-endi; Fee-fi-mo-mendi; Fendi!
Mari, Mari, bo-bari; Banana-fana fo-fari; Fee-fi-mo-ari; Mari!
If the name starts with a vowel, no letters are dropped:
Alma, Alma, bo-balma; Banana-fana fo-falma; Fee-fi-mo-malma; Alma!
Ann, Ann, bo-bann; Banana-fana fo-fann; Fee-fi-mo-mann; Ann!
Nutella in a room with Buck & Mitch could ONLY result in PROFANITY:
Nutella, Nutella, bo-butella; Banana-fana fo-futella; Fee-fi-mo-mutella; Nutella!
Buck, Buck, bo-buck; Banana-fana fo-fuck; Fee-fi-mo-muck; Buck!
Mitch, Mitch, bo-bitch; Banana-fana fo-fitch; Fee-fi-mo-mitch; Mitch!
The fact that I’m constantly plugging OTHER BLOGGERS’ SITES probably contributes to my blog’s high bounce rate… And my blog is retarded.
QUESTION: What are some of the strange or funny search words Googled by your blog’s visitors? Talk, I’m listening… I do that once in a Blue Moon.
“A full moon tends to bring out our darkest qualities.” — Giles in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (OMG, I’m looping episodes… again. I am so uninspired.)
Adieu,
frui-E.T., phone home
_____________________________________________________
P.S.
If you’re one of those pervs who landed on my blog via the words “Nutella Virgin”, feel free to delurk yourself, but please wipe your icky fingers first before you type your comment because… ewww. Wankers, the whole lot.
Hey, Jude and Evilgenius… try your names. I’m so bored. Bored now.
Filipino. Canadian. Aquarius. Cinéaste. Foodie. Pineapple. Dreaming through the noise. Her life and blurb are a work in progress.
That’s hilarious about the “Nutella” traffic you got… Sometimes you run into weird stuff like that. That Nutella banana sandwich looks delicious, by the way.
Um. Wow! These posts are random and slightly disorienting. But, yay for that Nutella and banana sammich! Looks good. I’ve liked Nutella since I discovered it in French class, but I’ve never known what to put it on.
LOL, fruity, you and I both know the true story of the Nutella Virgin. She is a bit like the Virgin Mary and she helps my website appear on Page 1 of Google!
This post has got one of the strangest titles I’ve seen in a long, long, long time. Congratulations, if there was an award for that sort of thing, I’d nominate you!
I’m ashamed to say that the sandwich looks kinda nice.
Believe it or not, the random anti-spam password for this entry was “ohmibod”. Isn’t it ironic after everything you’ve written. I saved the image in case you don’t believe me.
Mmmm… sweets. Mmmm… food pr0n…
Another one of your food porn FO! Hahaha. Deliciously evil.
Sluuurrrrpppp!
OH MY GOODNESS!!!
I just ate, but now, I am officially hungry again.
Looks very very very very (okay this is getting kinda annoying) YUMMY!
Now, I am back to comment… I miss being around here.
Lol! I couldn’t even mumble that song… hehehe.
fruity, your food is always something mouth watering.
Kiss
Fendi
Elow! Added you to my site’s links. Nice site!
Ang yummy naman nung nasa picture! Nutella is good with everything, bread, fruits, fingers… yuuuuuum!
My name is Toni so I’ve had my share of “Toni, Toni, bo-boni…” when I’m introduced to someone for the first time. I find it amusing. Ah well, at least they’ll remember my name more!
Mmmm. Nutella! I love Nutella. Spread on toasted bread, it’s a delicious snack! And I’m talking about the hazelnut spread, not that other Nutella. Ew.
Hahahaha… I love it.
Sexual innuendo, The Banana Song expressed as a formula, increased traffic because of two words, and Nutella’s (the pr0n star) description. Hilarious.
The first time I tasted Nutella (the chocolate spread), I ate half a jar without bread or phallic fruit. So darn yummy…
I see a future for you as a stand-up comedienne. Nutella Virgin optional.
P.S., on The Banana Song, try doing Rumpelstiltskin.
I had a few weird searches:
clonazepam
whore house in nepa
vodka and kidney stone
Hi there, sorry, out of topic. Just wanted to say thank you for the kind words you posted in my blog. Much obliged.
You’re in my blogroll now, btw. 
Yea I get some weird things looking for my site, too. Some stuff doesn’t even make sense why they would find me though.
Been seeing a lot of food lately…
I don’t like bananas too, and Nutella doesn’t make it taste better. Yuck! I do take bananas once in a while, once at a time.
I’ve never eaten Nutella, though I’ve wanted to try it for some time now. Lol, I imagine you’ve got a lot of porn addicts bopping over to this page right now going WTF?!! XD You are evil my friend.
Hehe, I haven’t heard someone sing (or in this case type) that kiddy song in SUCH a long time. Good memories.
Naaliw ako sa name ng food. Pero I love Nutella and bananas kaya I will try this one.
Happy weekend, fruity!
Hmm… I absolutely ADORE Nutella with a passion (not the Russian virgin, eww) and it sounds highly delicious with banana muffins.
By the way, I liked the pictures and their captures, LOL.
Actually, nasarapan ako sa nasa pic. Saan kaya yan mabili?
LOL. Waah, ginutom ako ng screen shot ng Nutella USA.
Link kita.
I love Nutella! I’m referring to the hazelnut spread, okay?
Nutella and banana? Haven’t tried that and would definitely try that tomorrow. Hehe.
My visitor’s funny Googled terms/phrases… Well, I’m not pretty sure if this is funny: “buy baby from Fabella Hospital”. Waaahahah! How’s that!??? And Blogbastic was made as a referrer??? Eeeiw.
Oh my gawwwd… *waves* First time visitor here! And wow, that looks fantastic. *mouth waters* And yes, I’m supposed to be doing Weight Watchers right now. Argh. *lol*
I got confused halfway through the post… probably because I actually started reading in the middle! (Just to make things more interesting. Not to say that your entries aren’t already interesting enough because they really, really are…) And now I’m just babbling because I don’t really have anything to say except that I really missed reading your blog, hahahaha.
And, and… *poke* because your post now has me craving for a lovely yummy Nutella sandwich… *sob. I have a HUGE jar of Nutella here at home that says it’s best before 2002. Does Nutella actually expire? Because I’m sorely tempted to eat it… gaaaaaah!
Oh gosh! I’m gonna have that awful song stuck in my head all day now. Bleah.
LOL. The thought of a dirty pervert landing on your site and finding a beautiful picture of a chocolate cupcake is gold!
I sometimes have people coming to my site looking for naked pictures of tennis players because I blogged about my time at the Australian Open.
I’ve been singing The Name Game for five minutes now, thanks to yer post. Think I’m going to keep singing it for a looong, looong time now.
NUTELLA NUTELLA NUTELLA ever since I introduced NUTELLA to my kids, it has been part of the grocery list. Now, you say NUTELLA BANANA, let me see…
I do not get that game whatsoever. But it is 9 am, I’ve been up since 6 am and I’ve banned myself from caffeine. Bummer.
Lilian, Lilian, bo-bilian; Banana-fana fo-filian; fee-fi-mo-milian; Lilian!
Profanity, porn and chocolate in one post? This is the reason I keep coming back! Wonderful pictures, too. The top one is to die for. I haven’t had Nutella for a while now. The chocolate spread, thank you very much.
I’m not too sure how to find out how people find my site. Someone told me that they found it by searching Doritos.
Hahaha. You’re such a ginormous geek, in an academic slash culinary setting kind of way. Ok I’m shutting up.
Anyhoo, I really have no idea why so many pervs resort to search engines to scour for pr0n. Methinks they’re idiots. I mean, hello, there’s my blog, dammit! Caters to your needs everytime! Pr0n awaits them there, dontchaknow! Come! Come! I’m waiting!
Awesome post… just so good, I wish I’d written it!!
That sandwich looks awesome… Nigella Lawson is a god amongst those who love unhealthy food!!
LOL, they must have been SO disappointed! I’d rather have the chocolate Nutella in a jar rather than a Russian porn girl though.
Hmmm… nuts, chocolate, bananas and a pussy… You’ve got all the makings for a porn site! No wonder you’re getting so many hits! I love the visuals!
Hello fruityoaty!
Lol @ The Name Game. I’m gonna think of some funny names to play with it.
Oh mannn, this blog entry is amazing. Hahaha, I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much while reading someone’s blog.
… and your cat is effing adorable!
I enjoyed singing The Name Game.
Banana in a Nutella jar… hmmm… naughty.
Haay, what is life without bananas and chocolates?
P.S. Max is adorably cute in that photo.
Hmmm, for me I got a ginormous amount of traffic when I posted “My Boobs Are Okay!” and of course the word vagina in most of my posts heheheheh.
Btw, I love Nutella! Max is soooo adorable as usual. It makes me want to own a cat instead.
I wrote an entry a while back titled “Control Your F***ing Kids!” Now I get hits from people searching for:
son f***ing his friends mother
kids f***ing
kids f***ing kids
granma f***ing
… and various other disturbing phrases. It makes me wonder what kind of sick, sick person is visiting my site…
You are such a tease. Have you no pity for the sexually deprived?
#3 — ahaha. But Max is really adorable in that pic.
I always wanted to learn The Banana Song. I think I’m gonna annoy my friends with it tomorrow.
Nutella…
fruity, why do your posts ALWAYS MAKE MARI HUNGRY? Huh, huh? Mari thinks it’s a conspiracy! XD
If only everyone could think of ways to present random link-love like you, fruity. =D
And now Mari’s walking around singing the one with her name. Great. Not only does Mari already talk in super-annoying third person, but now she’s singing in third person.
Hey! I wanna know the tune of that Futakgago! Lol! =))
And yes, I really want Nutella so bad. I have two bottles (I mean, plastic) in our house, but due to the absence of bread, I end up not eating Nutella anymore.
Poorrrr me.
@Evilgenius: Oops, my typo… because I was EXTREMELY confused, sleepy and hungry when I wrote this lame-ass entry.
Happy Canada Day, my friend. So, what’d you do? Party?
Uhmmmmmm… I don’t get it. What? What sound? How come “fruity” doesn’t become “fo-ruity”?
Happy Canada Day from a confused, sleepy and hungry reader.
LOL. Genius.
I had fun singing with your name game, haha. Fave ko yan nung bata ako. I can remember singing it last week, haha. And here it is in your post! Let’s do fruity:
fruity, fruity, bo-bruity; Banana-fana fo-ruity; Fee-fi-mo-mruity; fruity!
So this is where food and sex collide… They are both mouthwatering anyway.
I like your pussy… err I mean your cat — he’s fat and cute.
Word porn!
Yummmm food! (Is there a drool smiley in the house?)
Jessica, Jessica, bo-bessica
Banana-fana fo-fessica
Fee-fi-mo-messica
Jessica!
P, nice Photoshop work on the Blue Moon.
I bow down to your mastery of whoring.
XOXOXO
Jude
OK, funniest ever. Warm fat pussy spreading himself. You know you are a porn star in your own right, don’t you? I mean, you prostitute text for clicks. I must say, it is very amusing — so way dah go. Not the first, not the last, and certainly more interesting and high end porn than a Now Magazine ad.
Yum! Yum! Nutella! Is that whole stack of Nutella yours?! Share!!! Hahaha! My sister finished off a bottle of Nutella by using it as a dip for the Churros I made. She is such a chocohoar! Hahaha!
I have gots to visit that other chocohoar, Nutella!
Gotta try that Nutella and Banana Sandwich! I want the recipes in the last post! Waaaah!
Ohhhhhh gawwwwwd I’m supposed to be on a diet dammit!
Wow! Those really are some suggestive words! I especially like the warm fat pussy spreading itself, he’s really cute at that pose.
I got to be in The Name Game! Thanks!
Though it’s kinda weird when I sing it. 
Maybe I just need practice, he he…
I forgot from what post it came from, but I got searched for “16 years old blow job”. It sounds hot if you ask me… haha! Kidding. I’m no pedophile, you know. I just have the tendency to be one at times. LOL.
Damn you for the Nutella-banana sandwich! I hate bananas, but yours look waaay too good to pass. Oh, and damn you for The Name Game. Haha! LSS!
Argh that name game is addictive… Trying it with everyone I know. Banana and Nutella looks hawt damn unhealthy and therefore delicious. Forbidden fruits.
I got so much traffic for my Three Farts for Tarts post. Apparently people love “farts tarts”. Which is a tad bit weird, actually.
Hahaha! I love The Name Game. I think it’s gonna get stuck in my head after this post, lol.
*Goes away and looks for some Nutella to lick*