fruityoaty.com

Uh ya… so I fell 1 short of my originally planned 5 entries… and 2 short of one reader’s request for 6. Bleah. On the bright side, at least I matched last May’s tally of 4! See, glass half-full? Whatever. It just means I’ll write 2 more in July… uh-huh. I was going to write a response to Jigs’ and Peachy’s requests for recipes for these nummy creations, but my inner creature of whimsy sez, “That will have to wait. Right now, I want You Asked for It series: Manic Episode No. 2!” Tonight’s Blue Moon Café Special for $4.99 + tax: “Nutella Virgin” Google wham bams, Bobby Flay’s Nutella and Banana Sandwiches, warm fat pussy, E.T. sighting and The Name Game. PG-rated.

Oh, simmer down… I’ve used sexually suggestive titles before and none of ‘em meant what they implied, much to the chagrin of many porn Googlers:

Searching for Sex in All the Wrong Places
WordPress Plugins and Porn-free
Doodle, Diddle, Stipple and Stroke
iBuzz Two, iTouchMiself, OhMiBod, icombi, OhMiBlogSex
From Heroes to Zeroes to Twin Peaks Cherries to Blog of the Day Awards

… and it’s the same case here, really. Ever since I wrote Swiss Chocolate Cupcakes with Nutella Frosting, Oh My!, I get a whopping amount of traffic for the search term “Nutella Virgin”. Ya, it didn’t take me long to determine that sick horn dawgs were looking for virginoff.com — a porn site for a Russian girl named… Nutella who “… is just like any other girl at her age. She goes to university every day, but she is more interested in the boys than in classes. At the weekends she likes to go out with her friends, she loves dancing and often goes to clubs.” End quote. Ick, she redefines the words “Nutella spread”. (FYI, real Nutella is a chocolaty hazelnut spread.)

Gimme a sec. while I do a mental wipe and disinfect my monitor… Done.

Imagine the disappointment of those porn dawgs upon seeing a chocolate cupcake on their screens. The bounce rate on that entry is stupendously high. Hmm, I thought I’d give ‘em a few reasons to stay. Well, I learned somethin’ from all those Marketing classes: demand and supply. First up… a decadent sandwich pictured above — Nutella, bananas and hazelnuts in between two slices of bread griddled in butter and tossed in a cinnamon sugar mix. Oh… howzabout these other naughty bits (from left to right)?

Click on a thumbnail image to enlarge photo. Pictured above are:

1. The only phallic symbol inside Nutella you’ll ever see here. Perverts.
2. Nutella and her friends spreading some energy. Gosh, hammy joke.
3. A warm fat pussy spreading itself — Max in a ray of light. Perverts.
4. The rare Blue Moon on June 30, 2007 (UTC time zone) howled at by horn dawgs. I snapped that photo tonight. But not… blue. I feel as disappointed as a porn seeker staring at a chocolate cupcake.

Everytime I see a banana, I think of potassium, monkeys and The Name Game (also called The Banana Song) — a children’s singalong rhyming game that creates variations of a person’s name. Let’s apply all the rules of the game in Wikipedia… to few names, hmm? You know you wanna.

>>> Click on arrow below to play “The Name Game” sung by Shirley Ellis (3:03 min., 2.8 MB .mp3):

A verse can be created for any name, with X as the name and (X-1) as the name without the first consonant sound, as follows:

(X), (X), bo-b(X-1)
Banana-fana fo-f(X-1)
Fee-fi-mo-m(X-1)
X!

Chase, Chase, bo-bhase; Banana-fana fo-fhase; Fee-fi-mo-mhase; Chase!
Jhed, Jhed, bo-bhed; Banana-fana fo-fhed; Fee-fi-mo-mhed; Jhed!
Jigs, Jigs, bo-bigs; Banana-fana fo-figs; Fee-fi-mo-migs; Jigs!
Juice, Juice, bo-buice; Banana-fana fo-fuice; Fee-fi-mo-muice; Juice!
Kaitlin, Kaitlin, bo-baitlin; Banana-fana fo-faitlin; Fee-fi-mo-maitlin; Kaitlin!
Kevin, Kevin, bo-bevin; Banana-fana fo-fevin; Fee-fi-mo-mevin; Kevin!
Kubi, Kubi, bo-bubi; Banana-fana fo-fubi; Fee-fi-mo-mubi; Kubi!
Lei, Lei, bo-bei; Banana-fana fo-fei; Fee-fi-mo-mei; Lei!
Nan, Nan, bo-ban; Banana-fana fo-fan; Fee-fi-mo-man; Nan!
Paolo, Paolo, bo-baolo; Banana-fana fo-faolo; Fee-fi-mo-maolo; Paolo!
Shari, Shari, bo-bhari; Banana-fana fo-fhari; Fee-fi-mo-mhari; Shari!
Tina, Tina, bo-bina; Banana-fana fo-fina; Fee-fi-mo-mina; Tina!
Zerovoltage, Zerovoltage, bo-berovoltage; Banana-fana fo-ferovoltage; Fee-fi-mo-merovoltage; Zerovoltage!

If the name starts with a b, f, or m, that sound simply is not repeated. For example, “fruity” becomes “fo-ruity”:

fruity, fruity, bo-bruity; Banana-fana fo-ruity; Fee-fi-mo-mruity; fruity!

Fatima, Fatima, bo-batima; Banana-fana fo-atima; Fee-fi-mo-matima; Fatima!
Fendi, Fendi, bo-bendi; Banana-fana fo-endi; Fee-fi-mo-mendi; Fendi!
Mari, Mari, bo-bari; Banana-fana fo-fari; Fee-fi-mo-ari; Mari!

If the name starts with a vowel, no letters are dropped:

Alma, Alma, bo-balma; Banana-fana fo-falma; Fee-fi-mo-malma; Alma!
Ann, Ann, bo-bann; Banana-fana fo-fann; Fee-fi-mo-mann; Ann!

Nutella in a room with Buck & Mitch could ONLY result in PROFANITY:

Nutella, Nutella, bo-butella; Banana-fana fo-futella; Fee-fi-mo-mutella; Nutella!
Buck, Buck, bo-buck; Banana-fana fo-fuck; Fee-fi-mo-muck; Buck!
Mitch, Mitch, bo-bitch; Banana-fana fo-fitch; Fee-fi-mo-mitch; Mitch!

The fact that I’m constantly plugging OTHER BLOGGERS’ SITES probably contributes to my blog’s high bounce rate… And my blog is retarded.

QUESTION: What are some of the strange or funny search words Googled by your blog’s visitors? Talk, I’m listening… I do that once in a Blue Moon.

“A full moon tends to bring out our darkest qualities.” — Giles in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (OMG, I’m looping episodes… again. I am so uninspired.)

Adieu,

frui-E.T., phone home

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P.S.

If you’re one of those pervs who landed on my blog via the words “Nutella Virgin”, feel free to delurk yourself, but please wipe your icky fingers first before you type your comment because… ewww. Wankers, the whole lot.

Hey, Jude and Evilgenius… try your names. I’m so bored. Bored now.