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Whoohoo, the NBC drama series Heroes returns… tonight! Hooray! It’s a ticking countdown to 0.7%, the title of the 19th episode. If you’re a big fan of the show, check out the above YouTube video (1 min. 45 sec.). It’s a hilarious parody of Heroes featuring Zeroes. Zeroes are ordinary people with relatively pointless, ordinary hidden abilities. Zeroes walk among us. Oh yeah, I snatched a Blog of the Day Award 2 days ago. Super… Zeroic.

If you can’t hear audio for whatever reasons, I’ve transcribed the audio of the video. Scroll down below to the postscript for a really short transcript.

Well, you just know that after watching that, I donned my spiffy & fruity chef’s apron and cooked up my very own list of Top 5 Relatively Pointless Abilities. Of course, some would argue that all or some of the abilities in this list are… ehrr, so useful. The twist — the 5 are real. Marinate on this:

1. Self-fellatio à la Shortbus… that artsy sex romp flick that premiered at 2006 TIFF. If you haven’t seen the film yet, take a few seconds and wrap your mouth mind around the context of self-fellatio. When I saw it at TIFF last year, I was highly impressed with the… extreme bendyness of that guy (who apparently spent 3 months in rigorous training for the scene). I recall sitting in that audience and seeing with my peripheral vision… filmgoers cocking their head left to right, following the movements of the dude flipping upside down and doing his… schtick. Betcha some people took up yoga right after, LOL. Oh yeah, the director John Cameron Mitchell and actress Sook-Yin Lee did an informative Q & A right after the screening. Funniest question asked: “Is there a Shortbus in Toronto?” Yes, TTC, The Better Way.
2. Even if you weren’t born at the time or you were just barely walking when Twin Peaks aired from 1990 to 1991, you might have caught some reruns or heard about this pop culture iconic serial drama from David Lynch. Who could ever forget Bad Girl Audrey Horne (played by Sherilyn Fenn)… and her ability to knot a cherry stem inside her mouth, using her tongue and teeth? If this essential skill eludes you, hop on over to this how-to guide, muahahaha! They walk among us.
3. Every year, tens of thousands converge in Coney Island, Brooklyn, New York, at the site of Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest to watch a bunch of fat crazies scarf up as many hot dogs as they can within the time allowed. How (and why?) anyone could willingly eat that many hot dogs… boggles me. I suppose plenty of gay men and Mr. Shortbus bendy dude would know… mustard, condiments, condoms.
4. They walk among us… bloggers like Shari who can blog every day, return almost all the comments on their own blog, surf hundreds of other sites and leave comments on those sites. How? I’m telling y’all, they’re not human! It’s… Rise of the Machines… although apparently, Blogging Terminators (Terminatrixes?) go on blogging hiatus, too.
5. And lastly, the ability of some evil super genius-y software testers to make some software developers cry softly and whimper in their cubbyholes. “What, my algorithm is flawed? But, how… ? I’ve got a computer science degree… and I floss my teeth flawlessly, too!”

She sells seashells by the seashore! Quick, say that 5 times fast! Faster! Now, you too have a relatively pointless ability. You walk among them.

Oh yeah, I took The Heroes Personality Test and I’m… Peter Petrelli. My sister, who scored Ando… said that she wasn’t surprised by my results. Yes, actually… me neither. Best quality: Empathy. Worst quality: EMO.

This entry is dedicated to my friend, Ou’tis… who sneers at the s-s-super banal Zeroic powers of Dirty Pop, dirty dirty pop culture. Yes, I’ll post 300 Movie, Part 3. Soon, relax. In the meantime, you can go suck on a hot dog or twist a cherry stem. Just make sure you floss your teeth right after.

QUESTION: What’s your relatively pointless Zeroic ability? (Moooo. Mu?)

Adieu,

fruitypop
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P.S. Transcribed audio for the Zeroes video:

“Ready? Camera?” “Yeah.” “Yeah? OK.” “Ohmygod, Cindy!” “That was attempt number 42. Next time, I’m going to try my foot in my mouth.”

They are here. Walking among us. Seemingly normal people with special qualities. They cannot fly or teleport, though that would be nice! But still, they do have hidden powers. They are ordinary people. “I can touch my tongue to my nose.” With relatively pointless abilities. How does it feel to kick yourself in the back of your own head? If you could balance a flip phone on your nose, would you use it to save the world? And still, would others use their bendyness for evil purposes? How is the foot writer connected to the straw-playing guy? Perhaps each will walk alone with their own abilities. “I can do a stomache thingy.” Powers that no human can wield or would be caught dead wielding. The time is here. Their fate is now. They are ordinary people with ordinary abilities. They are Zeroes.