fruityoaty.com

Have you ever seen a thicker slice of raisin bread toast loaded with that many raisins? It’s as if a truck carrying a cargo of Hershey’s Chipits spilled gobs of chocolate chips on my breakfast plate. (Yes, this entry should put to rest doubts as to whether Massa P (aka “fruity”) can rise to new levels of cryptic absurdity. It’s always good to have a goal, hmm Ponyboy?)

First off, I want to say thanks for all the comments on this previous whiny speech. I thought I’d write a new entry before that one racked up more kisses which would force me to split up comments into pages to prevent long ass scrolling and carpal tunnel syndrome amongst you lovelies. More truthfully, that’d mean unnecessary effort by yours truly, Slacker Spice Girl. Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want (sing with me) - a vacation from fixing all the bugs in my blog. Updating to WordPress 2.1 has landed me with some unwanted presents. A pain in my proverbial ass.

So, right about now, you might be thinking, “Raisins? Eh, random, much?” Well, not really. If you knew me, then you’d know that I simply don’t do random. I’m quite precise in my strange musings. Anyway, I have this theory that when a person of the blogger species has zero inspiration to write, he/she will fall back on these 5 tried and true stinkers, ehrr gems:

1. His/her pet or someone’s pet. If the blogger has trained the pet to write the blog, so much the better! I’ve lumped talking about your family, friends, friends with benefits, significant other, STD partners, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife and illicit lovers in this category. The only difference with the latter (humans) is that you’re less likely to turn into a senile, lonelyOLDgirl15 with only 20+ smelly cats to keep you company while you “rage, rage against the dying light”.
2. Feelings, whether emotional and/or physical in unholy, excruciating detail. If you’re a blogger, you’ve probably committed this offense at least once. Please, if you’re going to lifelog your feelings, do it with style! “I feel sad” or “I feel sick” just doesn’t cut it! “I took a razor and cut out my eyes”, now that’s an eyeopener! Unfortunately, all eyes will be open including yours. Incidentally, that’s exactly how it is, each time I’m forced to see any flick starring Jessica Alba.
3. Moan about how you have no time to blog or got nada interesting to say… throughout the entire post! Pssst, if you really have no time or no blog ideas, then don’t write anything at all. See, simple?! Or you could eat a Krispy Kreme. Or stop breathing, but scarfing up KK’s would be more enjoyable. And don’t cut out your eyes, emo boy.
4. List all the dull things you will do or have done lately, in grocery list fashion. I call this type, The Itinerary Blogger where said blogger writes about his/her mundane daily activities: I ate ____, I had sex (hopefully, with someone other than yourself), I saw this movie, I listened to this horrid song, I watched this TV show, I killed Jimmy Bob, I bought this ____, I wore white after Labour Day, blah, blah. Often, these bloggers will mention other people’s names… as if they expect the poor, unsuspecting reader to know who Jimmy Bob is. In itself, there’s really nothing wrong about blogging about that stuff, if the writing was remotely well done and compelling. For example, DO explain why you killed Jimmy Bob. What did poor JB ever do to you?!
5. Write about the weather. For example, “Damn, it was cold today. It was so cold, Jimmy Bob froze his nuts off. Yes, it was so cold this morning and wow, it was even more colder tonight. It snowed a lot… and then it snowed some more! So, did I mention how cold it was?” Basically, that weather babble is equivalent to when people having nothing to talk about in the elevator or at the office water cooler, etc. and rather than being silent, Jimmy Bob and Mary Sue lightly chat about the weather. If your readers wanted to know about the weather, they’d watch The Weather Channel. (Kidding!)

HONOURABLE MENTIONS: internet memes, ranting about your workplace and co-workers (resist.resist.resist.the.job.rant)

I’ll be honest and confess: so far, I’m guilty of #1, #4 and definitely #2, but while I have written about my feelings, I always aim to gloss over the boring real details. I CARE A LOT about my readers. And since I have vowed never to write about the weather… you, dear reader, get to read about… the much maligned, glorious sweet raisin in the sun. Uh-huh.

TRUE RAISIN TIDBIT: Did you know that in ancient Roman times, you could trade two (2) jars of raisins for one SLAVE BOY? Google it, if you don’t believe me. Now, 2 jars of prunes would get you… very regular.

So, if I’ve got 20 jars of raisins, that’d buy me 10 slave boys (preferably the sort who looks hot), n’est-ce pas? (Yes, my Grade 1 math teacher, Miss Fernandes wouldn’t tweak my ears.) We here at fruityoaty do shallow well. Actually, I’m not all that fond of raisins (except in some desserts and waxy, chocolate-covered Glossette bits), so I’d probably give them away.

Join me another time on my new “The Breakfast Club” series, as I wax poetic about… breakfast… which technically sort of falls into #4 in the list, but it could be the new, freshy fruity #6. Yeah, whatever to you too.

Say Anything? Yes. No.

Adieu,

dry purple fruity

P.S. Fess up now, but even if you are a repeat offender LIKE ME, remember… The Almighty Powerful Raisin loves y’all… well, most of y’all. Except YOU. BTW, if you didn’t get the drift that I’m making fun of myself here (not other people), I’m tellin y’all now. Hey, if you want to use your PERSONAL blog to vent and ramble, go ahead. Just remember, you’re leaving a digital trail (search engines have a big cache of drivel)… and years from now, when your future employer Googles you and reads about your 18-year old self doing and saying God knows what, your future self will be singing a different tune. My point is, don’t ever write anything you’ll regret later on. Peace. LMAO.