fruityoaty.com

Forget the Oscars, I’ve just won the Biggest Whiner award! Throughout my downtrodden, miserable excuse of a life, I’ve dreamt of that one brief shining moment when I would stand in front of my more pathetic peers to accept my shiny trophy. Ladies, germs and losers, my thank you speech…

Oh, I’m going to cry! I will try to keep this short, but whiners aren’t known for brevity. First, I would like to thank all my friends and family, both real or imaginary and online or offline, without whose huge support this could not have been possible. Thank you! Oh, thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so gassy! And this statue - it’s so shiny! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to know that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have imagined that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other suck-ass nominees, I want each of you slackers to know how totally wonderful your lackluster applause makes me feel right now!

You know when they first told me I was nominated, I just had to take an Ex-Lax® and think about how great my enemies have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda special, but not special enough, damn it. Grrrrr!

You know, there are so many fawning little people to thank! First off though, I want to thank the glorified prostitutes of the Academy, who all looked deep within their Magic 8-Balls before giving me this big craptastic award! Thanks to ham sandwiches for being such a powerful force in my life. And to my sister, who taught me to steer life by the wheel. To all the strange friends I’ve lost - I couldn’t have done it without you! And a big shout-out to my sponsor, McDonald’s who puts the cholestrol, toys and Happy into my Happy Meals, a welcome bag of trans fatty goodness for those days when I’m feeling too pathetic. I would also like to French kiss my agent Jerry McGuire. You had me at helloser! Credits also go to the Academy Awards Acceptance Speech Generator for helping Massa P to write most of this whiny speech. And finally, the most important person in my life… my makeup man without whom I would never step out of my dirty house for fear of scaring all the little brats… sing with me… we are the world, we are the children out there on this huge stinkin’ polluted planet.

As I wrap my pudgy, wrinkled and disfigured fingers around my new garlic crusher and shiny beacon of despair, I can’t help but think… you like me! You really like me! Thank you America, and good night! Hugs and kisses!

Adieu,

fruity red w(h)ine