Forget the Oscars, I’ve just won the Biggest Whiner award! Throughout my downtrodden, miserable excuse of a life, I’ve dreamt of that one brief shining moment when I would stand in front of my more pathetic peers to accept my shiny trophy. Ladies, germs and losers, my thank you speech…
Oh, I’m going to cry! I will try to keep this short, but whiners aren’t known for brevity. First, I would like to thank all my friends and family, both real or imaginary and online or offline, without whose huge support this could not have been possible. Thank you! Oh, thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so gassy! And this statue - it’s so shiny! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to know that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have imagined that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other suck-ass nominees, I want each of you slackers to know how totally wonderful your lackluster applause makes me feel right now!
You know when they first told me I was nominated, I just had to take an Ex-Lax® and think about how great my enemies have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda special, but not special enough, damn it. Grrrrr!
You know, there are so many fawning little people to thank! First off though, I want to thank the glorified prostitutes of the Academy, who all looked deep within their Magic 8-Balls before giving me this big craptastic award! Thanks to ham sandwiches for being such a powerful force in my life. And to my sister, who taught me to steer life by the wheel. To all the strange friends I’ve lost - I couldn’t have done it without you! And a big shout-out to my sponsor, McDonald’s who puts the cholestrol, toys and Happy into my Happy Meals, a welcome bag of trans fatty goodness for those days when I’m feeling too pathetic. I would also like to French kiss my agent Jerry McGuire. You had me at helloser! Credits also go to the Academy Awards Acceptance Speech Generator for helping Massa P to write most of this whiny speech. And finally, the most important person in my life… my makeup man without whom I would never step out of my dirty house for fear of scaring all the little brats… sing with me… we are the world, we are the children out there on this huge stinkin’ polluted planet.
As I wrap my pudgy, wrinkled and disfigured fingers around my new garlic crusher and shiny beacon of despair, I can’t help but think… you like me! You really like me! Thank you America, and good night! Hugs and kisses!
Adieu, 
fruity red w(h)ine
Is that for real? Haha! I’d like to enter!
It’s the 30th! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WHINER! DING, DING, DING! I’m the first to greet you ummm, happy fake birthday.
Good speech, slacker. You had me at helloser! BTW, I couldn’t comment before, but I guess now you’ve fixed the issue.
Happy Birthday!!
Lol @ post. I could win that too. Just this morning my seatmate said “all she does is complain but she’s pretty harmless” about me.
Massa P! Yo, HAPPY FAKE BIRTHDAY!
Well-deserved award.
Funny stuff! What, you couldn’t write it all by yourself? Software testers, lazy bunch - the whole lot.
I don’t know if I should be saying congratulations. Hehe. Are you really a whiner though?
CONGRATULATIONS, HUMAN!
You’ll go farther than this! I’ll cheer you on!
Oh, it’s your you-know-what?
Happy you-know-what!
Selamat ulang tahun! Sun yat fai lok! Maligayang kaarawan! Buon compleanno!
Joyeux anniversaire! Parteeh!
Just one of your fawning little people wishing you a happy birthday.
Cracking good entry.
I’ll be cheering you from the sidelines, go, go, go!
If I had known about that award, I would’ve won. :p
Congratulations! The trophy looks great, haha!
Birthday? What? Eh? Whose birthday? What sayeth the Whiner’s Magic 8-Ball about today? Kisses, biotch.
I know a lot of people that deserve that award. A lot, sadly.
My classmate in folk dance should have won that award. All he ever does is whine about the steps he couldn’t do. I hate him.
Oh, hmmm.. “Selamat Ulang Tahun!”? “Benar atau tidak, tetap semoga panjang umur!” Now, I’ll let you translate that, Aquarius girl!
And congrats on the award… Interesting speech.
Awesome award. Truly, a fantastic achievement!
I’d be proud to have that golden statue on my mantlepiece too. Cheers! Long live whiners!
Lmao yes, I’m pretty indecisive, but I think I finally chose. (:.
Lmao congrats on whining the Biggest Whiner award.
That was a very beautiful speech, lol. I loved it. It made me laugh. I just thought I’d come by and say hey.
Congrats on being the Biggest Whiner, lol.
LOL congratulations… I think.
I think I should also be entitled to an award like that! Take care.
Once again, happy belated birthday!!
I think there’s quite a few that I could nominate for that award lol.
Congratulations.
Haha that’s funny! Cute award.
-Stands and applauds.- Best speech I have ever heard! I’m wiping tears from my eyes.
Haha. When I first glanced at that award, I thought it said “Biggest Weiner”. That just goes to show how I lazily I look at things. :/
LMFAO. That award is totally awesome. Congratulations!
Very interesting & humorous blog.
Congrats on the award. I’m sure it’s hard damned work being the biggest whiner. I should win the biggest complainer award. We’d be like two peas in a pod! TTYL.
Ohh my god hahaha… I laughed while reading it. This is the most whiny speech I have ever come across. Congratulations by the way, haha.
Happy Belated Birthday too!
I love the speech. Haha.
It cracked me up.
Hahaha, that is awesome! I want one of those things! Your speech and picture made me lol before going to work!
Oh, congrats!
I should totally have one too!
Ahaha, I laughed at your speech. That was hilarious. Love the award! I could use one of those as well.
You TOTALLY deserve that award, LOL.
Happy, Happy, Happpppppy Birthday!
Was this a fake birthday gift? I particularly love the craftsmanship. Great little speech generator - I wish I had one for work convo’s. Way2
You write better speeches than any of those Oscar-winning actresses…
Keep whining…
Congratulations on your award!
LOL THAT’S SO COOL! Hahaha. What an AWESOME speech. :p Congrats on getting that whiner award. Haha. Cooool. XD
LOL, that made me laugh so much!!! Great work, congratulations!!!
That is awesome. I am jealous.
Beautiful speech as well.
HAHA. That’s some awesome award! o_o Errrm. Haha. I think it’s funny how the “Biggest Whiner” sign isn’t perfectly on it.
Perfect touch.
Hahahaha! ROFL!!! I want an award like that! I want it! I want it!
There IS such a thing as an Academy Award Speech Generator! I thought it was all a myth! Haha!