fruityoaty.com

I was cleaning my office the other day when I stumbled over a caped, shirtless, purple-bodied, muscled, big-eared plastic action figure holding a curved staff. After recovering from the pain of my right foot nearly being impaled by plastic antlers (and imagining an embarassing scenario in the ER with a plastic toy attached to my bloody foot), I began to wonder about the nature of the man-beast-demon thing. When had I acquired it? If I did buy it, whatever had possessed me to buy it in the first place?

Now, if you’re one of the 10 (deranged) regular readers of fruityoaty, you’re probably saying to yourself, “fruity must be really bored or hard up for writing material because… absurd and random, much?” Odd - yes, cryptic - maybe, and probably lacking cowbell, but nay… not random.

Just so you know, I do clean when I’m forced to defend myself from the hordes of tiny, sentient demonic bunnies (all named Frank) formed from piles of dust or when I can no longer breathe from the toxic fumes. More disturbing are the grotesque, fuzzy bunnies whispering that the world will end exactly in 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds if I don’t tidy up a little. Paranoia is always a good motivator. (Kidding, Donnie Darko.)

Now, I’d like to state upfront that I am NEITHER in the habit of collecting geeky stuff (with the exception of my monkey toys, DVDs and books) NOR have I EVER played a game of ANY edition of Warcraft. I bought this Elf-Orc-whatever for this dude who had mentioned that he was a fanboy of Warcraft, but I never found the time to unload that plastic thing from hell.

After about 10 minutes of thanking the Almighty for saving me from a possessed inanimate object, I remembered exactly (with help from Google) what that thing was and why I had it. It is an 6″ action figure of Malfurion Stormrage (or Furion Stormrage), a Night Elf Arch-Druid from Warcraft III video game. I bought it at Compucentre back in 2003 when that computer store was still open for business in Yorkdale Shopping Centre, on a whim… and because it cost a measly CDN $1 (on sale, down from $15).

But this is not about that Elf-Orc-Hobbit Hulk thing. Kids, this is a public service announcement on the dangers of impulse buying. For some people, shopping can be a major stress or boredom reliever. While impulse buying can give you happiness, remember what those damn bald Buddhists say - true happiness cannot be bought. Mindless spending can become a serious addiction and could also land you into serious financial trouble. Heed these words this Christmas season and especially on Boxing Day, otherwise… you could end up with a plastic Night Elf Arch-Druid stuck to your bloody foot!

Instead of chucking Furion straight into the garbage bin, I snapped several photos of him. Hover over the photos to read the ALT text. Click on a thumbnail image to enlarge the photo. To cycle through all thumbnail images, click on the first thumbnail image below to enlarge, move the mouse cursor to the top-right corner and click on NEXT to advance to the next photo (ehrr, if that doesn’t work, click your browser Back button). Now, follow Furion, the Irradiated Giant Hobbit on his short misadventures:

Furion battles the fearsome, fuzzy wuzzy Max Azeroth the Behemoth.

Furion is defeated by the high levels of toxoplasma gondii infestation of Azeroth the Great Felid Beast:

Furion meets the King of the Simians and then fortifies his Health and Magicka levels with 4 servings of fruits (oh, so fruity) and a whopping serving of cabbage (damn, that Vegetarian War):

Furion battles with the Great Chocolate Nestlé Quick Demon Franken-Bunny, almost gets himself pureed into a healthy, fruity oaty shake and despairs at gaining an extra 5 pounds (too much bunny):

Furion meets the Red-headed Elves of the Geek Forest, climbs the Rocky Chocolate Mountain to seek advice from the Giant Wise Old Man and leads an army of Giant Hoodoo Voodoos to battle the All-Powerful Azeroth:

Furion meets the Ox Beast Warrior. The Ox says, “Needs more cowbell!” Next, he stands tall and clueless in the Forest of Whim with his lame wooden staff (which I’m pretty sure represents phallic power for male video game geeks). Lastly, he battles the creature known as I.T. whose eventual downfall is due to a faulty CD drive.

Yeah, whatever. (That all totally made sense in my mind.)

Now, I bid you all adieu,

Malfruity-ion