fruityoaty.com

My cat Max is possibly the laziest cat in the world. The fat hairball mostly lays around on a snug rug all day and night resting. A rugless surface is approached with much contempt. If the chubby tubby beasty finds himself lying on a cold hardwood floor, he will actually expend the minimum amount of effort required to travel to a carpeted surface nearest to him. The fact that almost every inch of the main floor in our home is covered with shiny ceramic or hardwood tiles is probably seen as a big grievance to Max. Our basement is the only area that is carpeted (for the most part), but he is so lazy that he won’t pitter patter down those basement stairs unless he needs to take a pee or poop in that foul litter box located in a corner of the laundry room… far, far away from my bloody nose. Being gravitationally challenged lately, he now stays away from the upper second floor. Too much effort. Other than being rotund, he has no medical problems… yet.

Max seems to be extremely frugal when it comes to joules consumption and will only budge if, and only if, it is absolutely necessary. This means he will only move if he is either hungry, thinks he’s about to be fed, sees or smells food, sees a person eating (the sight of someone chowing down triggers obsessive food envy), wants to frolick in the garden, needs to take a piss or shit or he’s walking away from another creature or situation that he perceives to be either dangerous or very annoying.

Yes, Max is an overweight wimp. He’ll retreat from cats and other animals smaller and less fearsome than him. Strangely, he’ll sit still in a tub for a bath without much fuss. Well, I suppose it could be the fear of drowning, hehe. While he may be a fat and hygienic wuss, he can be very loveable and sweet, however, I suspect his many cute, purring demonstrations of affection for the humans in HIS household are part of his manipulative schemes to obtain food… and then more food.

I think Max is turning into an ottoman - a furry, warm footstool with a tail and whiskers (useful for warming up cold feet). Despite the ottoman being motivationally challenged, I haven’t stopped trying to find and devise new ways of getting the furniture to play and exercise. I love Max and I’d like my footstool to be around for many, many years to come. Max used to be a playful and perky cat before he got fixed by the vet. The thought did cross my mind more than once - you’d lose your joie de vivre too if someone fixed you and took away your get your freak on mojo.

Max is already on a restricted diet (1/2 cup of low-fat dry vittles in the morning and 1/2 cup at night), but he really does need some exercise that lasts longer than 1 minute. We used to try to pique his interest with old and new toys, remote controlled rolling ball or tiny car, catnip, a bunch of other stuff and a handful of failed techniques, but they were all treated with his usual attitude - “I can’t be bothered, go away human until I, the Great Ottoman Empire Emperor, require your services”.

This is a YouTube video of a silly person I know who tried something new a few days ago - trying to piss off Max to the extent that he would actually move and attack the person who was annoying him. Eh, it didn’t really work. Nice try, though. Too bad, no one can train him to pick up a ringing phone and take a message. That’s worth a least a few calories and the cost of an answering machine…

If YouTube is offline, download this alternative QuickTime .mov video (1 min. 45 sec., 4 MB).

But then again, who am I to talk? I can barely motivate myself to budge (oh, on so many levels). Ya know, on days when I’m kinda feeling low, Max is a great source of comfort and many chuckles. I’ll probably torture him this Halloween and put him in a costume. I’m kidding.

Adieu,

Still… not fruity